Guess I'll Never Know
by immyownsuperman
Summary: After Tony killed Rivkin Ziva and him part on bad terms. Tony now knows that he loves her but Ziva is pulled back in by her father. He must get her back before her father gets her killed. Tiva and some Gabby along the way.
1. The Reason I'll Never Know

Ziva looked into her reflection staring at herself. Why had this happened? Why had Tony done that? If her life wasn't hard enough he had to come along and make it even harder. She was never going to be able to work with Tony ever again, never. She was lost in her thoughts until Tony appeared behind, his reflection shining back at her. She turned around to look at him a look in her eyes no one could describe. Tony looked back at her with almost the same look.

"I had no choice." Tony tried to explain. What? You had no choice?! Bull shit, you didn't have to kill him, were what came to her mind at those words.

"That's a lie." Ziva said. The anger shone in her voice but it didn't scare him.

"Why would I lie to you, Ziva?" he asked anger showing right back.

"To save your worthless ass!" she said walking towards him. Is that really what she thought of him? He had done it for her!

"From who? Vance?!" he asked angry. "Mossad?" he asked looking around, he was here for her. Now they were only a foot apart, a foot that Tony knew was life and death. He could now see the anger that was staring up at him.

"You jeopardized your entire career and for what?" she asked her hand just itching for a punch. Why would he do that?

"For you..." he whispered looking into her eyes. For me? "He's was playing you Ziva." Tony said wanting her to know.

"For some reason you felt it was your job to protect me?" Ziva asked. Not my job my need Tony thought.

"I did what I had to do." Tony said trying to explain. No had but needed to do, he needed to save the beautiful girl in front of him.

"You killed him." she said almost cutting him off. She had to clench her teeth to stop herself from doing something rash.

"If I hadn't you'd be having this conversation with him, but maybe that's how you would prefer it." he said. What a smart-ass response. She could see in his face that he was trying to be sarcastic but his eyes showed he was serious.

"Perhaps I would!" she almost yelled. Now she was really pissed.

"OK...why don't you just get this out, you wanna talk a punch, take a swing?" he asked being sarcastic again. "Get it out of your system! Go ahead do it!" he yelled in her face. Her hands twitched with the urge to kill him right here and now.

"Be careful Tony..." she whispered warning him. "Cause much like Micheal I only need one." she added. He knew it was true but it didn't bug him.

"And that's what your really angry about isn't it, that's whats brothering you." he said getting ready to rub something in her face, what did he have on her. "It's not that hes dead, its that your Mossad boyfriend got him ass kicked by a chump like me." he said getting into her face. He was probably right, that was what was probably bugging her but she couldn't show that.

"You took advantage of him." she said trying to explain it.

"He attacked me!" he yelled getting closer to her face. You better be careful, then he started again. "What was I supposed to-" he was cut off bu Ziva kicking him leg and pushing him to the ground. It took her only a few seconds for her reflexes to kick in then he was the ground in front of her. Ziva got on top him and pushed him down, there was no need. She could see the pain in his face, not just physical but emotional.

"You saw a glass table, you pushed him back, you dropped him on it, he was impaled in the side by a shard of glass!" she said pain ringing in her voice. "Bloody! Gasping for air!" She yelled as the image came to her mind, Tony could see that this was really hurting her, he didn't want to hurt her.

"I guess you read my report." Tony said. He'd actually made the report sound worse then it had actually been, make him seem like the bad guy. He kicked himself everyday for what he'd done. For what he'd done to Ziva.

"I memorized it!" she yelled pushing down on his bad shoulder. He could tell she was now on the verge of tears. "You could have left it at that, you could of walked away, but no you let him up!" she yelled, she had said it so fast it was hard to catch. He looked to Ziva had drawn her gun. "You put four in his chest!" Ziva yelled pushing the gun down into his chest. Please let her shot me, let her go on Tony thought. The pain her caused her was to much.

"You weren't there." Tony said trying to diffuse the situation.

"You could have put one in his leg!" Ziva yelled pulling the gun to his leg.

"You..weren't..there." Tony said emphasizing every word.

"But I should have been!" she yelled he could see the tears in her eyes. Maybe you should of.

"You loved him." Tony said realization dawning to him. She loved Rivkin and not him. Ziva's tears seemed to just disappeared.

"Guess I'll never know." Ziva said. She wasn't talking about Rivkin but Tony, now she will never know. Ziva lifted herself off of Tony pushing down on his bad shoulder in the process causing him pain. He watched her walk away and go through the door, looking back for only a second.


	2. Not Coming Back

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**Hey okay so I'm doing stuff still from the season finale but it will come to be my own stuff please read and enjoy!**

**Special Thanks to: **

**Autumn Gray **

**My only review lol Keep reading!  
**

* * *

Ziva grabbed her stuff from the trunk of the car. She had been debating on her choice all day, probably more then a day. She wanted to go with them but she couldn't betray her father. She looked beyond the car to see her father give her a look, a look of choice. Me or him is what it said. Then came Gibbs carrying his stuff over his shoulder, he looked worn out, worn out by the whole situation. The look turned to an angry glare as soon as he saw her father. They walked past each other, Gibbs angry, her father had a look of satisfaction.

"Gibbs!" Ziva yelled running towards him bag in hand. Gibbs slowed and turned his body towards her. His look now had turned to confusion.

"The plane leaves in five minutes, Ziva..." he said still looking confused. Why couldn't this wait?

"No without us it doesn't." she said. Her face showed how nervous she was, he eyes showed how scared she was. "I think it is best if I simiply speak from the heart." she said. She wasn't speaking from the heart. Her heart told her to get on the plane and patch up whatever had happened. Her father said different, he didn't want Tony around her.

"Well yeah...usually is." he said leaning slightly in.

"It's Tony..." she started. That was a lie. "I'm still not convinced he has been inertly truthful about Micheal's..." she continued, crap not Micheal she couldn't say that. "Rivkins shooting." she corrected herself. Another lie, lie after lie. Ziva could see the betrayal that shone in his eyes. Tony never lied about something that happened on the job, she knew that probably better then anyone.

"He gave his word." he said. Damn right her did.

"I-I'm not sure we can work together..." she said. Lying to Gibbs was about one of the hardest things she'd ever done. He trusted her. "Perhaps it is best if..one of us..get's transferred to another team." she added. Gibbs could see how hard it was for her but he didn't want to deal with it. He knew she was making him choose. Choose between his two most trusted team members the ones that he needed, not just one but both.

"Transfer?" Gibbs asked angry.

"I need to be able to trust the people I work with, I know you more then anyone understands that." Ziva said. Ziva could see that he was going to choose Tony, she knew that he felt that if she couldn't trust Tony then she couldn't trust him. His eyes wandered to something behind her. He looked at her father not that she knew that but now he understood why she was doing this. He finally moved his eyes back and looked into hers. She could now see the understanding, not good but bad. He looked down then slowly leaned forward. Ziva first shied away unsure at what he was doing but slowly trusted him. He touched his lips to her cheek in a quick kiss good-bye, then slowly pulled away and looked at her.

"Take care of yourself." he said. She felt hurt that he didn't try harder to keep her, try to convince her to stay. Her father smirked slightly in the back ground understanding what had happened. Gibbs walked up to the plane and carried himself up inside. Gibbs motioned to him that they were ready to go. Tony turned to look at him, where was Ziva.

"Boss?" Tony asked confused. Gibbs just ignored him. "One short?" he asked still confused. One of the workers looked over at Gibbs for an explanation.

"Good to go!" Gibbs yelled motioning up. Tony realized he only spook to make sure he knew they were good to go. There was pain in his voice. Tony showed the pain in his face not caring what people thought. Director Vance looked perfectly fine. The plane started going up, leaving Ziva behind. The one Tony thought he could fix his relationship with was gone. Tony leaned his head back looking up

Ziva watched as the plane left lifting up, without her. What had she done? There was no turning back now. She was here like her father wanted and that was the end of it.

* * *

Abby rushed in caf-pow in hand, her face eager for her friends to back. She sure hoped everything had been resolved.

"They here yet?" Abby asked walking in. McGee was busy typing on his computer.

"Abbs I told you I'll call you as soon as they show up...scouts honor." he said looking up from the computer screen. Of course he'd go all scouts honor on her, Gibbs would just let her sit up here probably in his chair.

"That's to late McGee it's an official welcome back..I mean if they walk in and I'm here I get to say 'Yeah welcome back!' if there already here and I come up like miss tardy to the party then it's technically like them welcoming me back." she explained resisting the urge to explain in sign language, McGee looked very amused by her. "Tell him Palmer..." Abby said turning towards him. His eyes lifted up from the magazine and moved slightly, he was obviously reading one of Tony's GSMs.

"Umm...she-she makes a good point." he said wanting to be on Abby's side, he was not sure how to answer. McGee looked over at him kind of irritated, but Palmer shook his head no once he was sure Abby wasn't looking.

"I saw that Palmer..." Abby said sitting at Ziva's desk. Palmer chuckled nervously and Abby sighed. There was an elevator ding in the background. Abby started to type on her computer checking the flight logs. "Okay there flight has arrived...where are they?" she asked clearly irritated.

"Behind you..." Tony said behind her.

"Yay! Welcome back!" Abby said standing up to hug him.

"Watch the-""I missed you!" they both said at the same time. She had wrapped her hand around Tony's sore shoulder.

"Sorry." she said releasing her grip.

"It's okay..." Tony said in a pained voice. "Missed you to Abbs..." he said walking towards his desk.

"Tony...I-" Palmer said nervously standing up, but it was like he didn't even notice that Palmer was sitting at his desk.

"Jimmy..." Tony said simply sitting at his desk, he set his backpack down next to himself.

"So...Ziva's getting her stuff?" McGee asked confused they had all now crowded around Tony.

"No." Tony answered trying to avoid eye contact.

"She parking the car?" Abby asked turning around then back, she had a big smile on her face, Palmer turned and smiled at her.

"No." Tony answered again.

"Well...what is she doing?" McGee asked even more confused.

"Well...considering the time difference...probably eating breakfast." Tony said still avoiding eye contact. He busied himself at his desk not wanting to deal with anyone at the moment.

"She still in tel-aviv?" Palmer asked.

"Yep..." Tony sighed breaking the moment of eye contact.

"Well when is she coming back?" McGee asked worried. What? Abby thought to herself, she has to come back, she better.

"She's not..." Tony said looking up.

"No!" Abby yelled. "This can not happen, Vance can not do this again!" Abby yelled. How could Gibbs? She thought, she had trusted him to bring back everyone, including Ziva.

"Wasn't Vance's call..." Tony said angry. Abby turned to look at everyone, what? Then who's call was it?

"Well...if it wasn't Vance, then who?" McGee asked knowing Abby wasn't going to be able to. Tony just looked up not wanting to answer there question.

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**Okay so This is a Tiva story but I am going to but some Gabby in...I just love them so if you don't like those parts please skip!**

**Review!  
**


	3. Trying to Wash Away Pain

**Thanks to:**

**Autumn Gray**

**bounceincalifornia**

**gabbytiva123**

**Slivergrass**

**eLEANOR**

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"Jethro." Ducky said, climbing down the stairs into his basment. "Forgive the intrusen-" he started but stop dead in his tracks. Gibbs was sweeping, were his boat was supposed to be. "How did you possibly manage to-" he started again.

"Ah jeez Duck...you gonna ask me that every time?" he asked cutting him off short. He had stop sweeping and moved over to his workbench. Ducky looked up trying to debate on the best way to answer that, he decided to finish walking down the steps before talking again.

"How was your flight?" he asked changing the subject.

"One short..." he answered simply. Ducky sighed and continued to walk over to Jethro. He dump out a jar and cleaned it.

"Yeah, I know this decision must not have come easily." Ducky said finishing off the steps towards him, he still continued to cleans the glass and avoid eye contact.

"It wasn't my decision..." Gibbs said pouring a glass of bourbon. That was his way of dealing with his problems, get drunk, sleep it out, then don't think about it. Not that Ducky protested it is quite effective at times, but it wasn't always healthy.

"But, Tony said-" Ducky said.

"No..." he started still pouring the bourbon. "Ziva's..." he finished pouring a glass for Ducky. "From the moment she asked me to choose, he added turning around to face Ducky.

"Ahhh...this is not about loyalty, it's about an unreasonable demand." he said moving to stand in front of Gibbs he had now sat down and was playing with his mug. He was avoiding eye contact again not wanting to Ducky to see what was in his eyes.

"Uh...she withheld information, Duck" he said still toying with his mug. The anger in his voice was hidden well but not unnoticeable. He was hurt but what Ziva had done.

"To protect Rivkin." he said. Gibbs started to say something but stop himself, he didn't think Rivkin deserved her. "Someone she obviously cared about..." he added trying to get Gibbs to open up. "Ziva will always remain an officer of Mossad..." he said. Yes, Gibbs knew that but sometimes he'd liked to think of her as a friend, a team member, and part of there family. "I certainly don't envy the position she found herself in..." he said. Neither did Gibbs but her father was really ticking him off. "Considering her less then conspicuous background it's amazing she ever had your trust..." he said. The anger Gibbs was feeling really showed now.

"No...she earned it." he said looking back down. What Ducky had said triggered something, like sadness, or guilt.

"But, you took to Ziva more quickly then any other agent before her...Timothy, Katelyn, even DiNozzo." he said. Gibbs was now biting the inside of his cheek. "I've always sensed there's a strong bond between the two of you, something shared perhaps..." Ducky said starting to pace. Gibbs got the flashback sparkle in his eyes he got occasionally. A moment he lost himself, a moment where nothing else existed. He flashback to the moment in the basement where she shot Ari.

"No...she proved herself..." he said wishing away the thought from Ducky's head.

"Whatever it was that Ziva did, to prove her loyalty, well it was not nearly momentous as you believed." he said, his thoughts were rejected as Gibbs ignored him and went back to his bourbon, maybe it was. "Or was it?" he asked. Gibbs didn't answer just continued on drinking.

* * *

Two hours ago Ducky had been here, two hours ago he had started drinking, maybe it was two hours, maybe three. He'd lost track of how many drinks he had had. Who cared? No one was going to check up on him, no one was going to take care of him. Abby was probably with McGee so he couldn't call her. Tony had enough problems of his own and Ducky had warned him before he left.

"Oh the hell with that..." he mumbled to himself. No one wanted to come. He tossed the mug across the basement, it hit the wall with his fury. His arm was still clenched as it shattered at the wall, crumbling before him.

"Gibbs?!" someone called worried. He heard running feet but who? It was a girl's voice only one girl left in his life. Abby, she had come. He heard her approach the stairs and sigh as she reached. He looked up but his vision was blurred. He could see black, that was most certainly Abby. To bad he couldn't really see her. She walked down the steps and walked towards him. "You've been drinking..." she stated. This wasn't the first time she had found him like this. After Jenny died she had found him like this, this was worst though.

"Why are you here?" he asked. It was probably the only clear thing he was going to say all night.

"Probably to make sure you weren't going to drink till you pass out...looks like I'm to late...Oh geez Gibbs, I've never thought I see you this bad..." she sad putting the bourbon away. He nodded at what she said barley understanding anything she had said. "Let's get you to your bed...Vance has given us the week off so maybe I can get you better by then..." she added pulling his arm over her shoulder.

Abby pulled him up the stairs trying to get him to walk, he wouldn't. The bourbon had taken over, everything he said came up as a slur. She'd seen him bad but never this bad, ever. She pulled him up the remaining stairs and into his bedroom. Lucky for her he was already out of his work clothes and sweats. She pulled the covers back and pulled him into the bed.

"Good night..." she said heading next door.

"T-t-thank you..." he slurred. She just smiled and headed to the guest bedroom. Truth was she was hoping Gibbs was going to be there for her. Maybe he needed her more then she needed him.

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**Hey Okay there you go another chapter...mostly Gibbs revoled but I promise I got some intresting twists with Tony coming up...I'll probably add some Ziva in there to...Thanks for Ready REVIEW!**


	4. The Call

**Thanks to:**

**Silvergrass**

**and **

**gabbytiva123  
**

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What was he supposed to do? She was gone, maybe forever. He just wished he was dead and that Rivkin was alive. She'd be happy, probably in bed with him. She wouldn't of had to go back to her father, she'd still be with the team. He'd lost every woman he cared about. Kate, Paula, Jeanne, Jenny, and now Ziva. Five people he cared about, gone. He'd lost Ziva, the love of his life.

Tony been laying in bed for who knew how long, he couldn't sleep. He missed Ziva, her eyes, her smile, her laugh. He let his thoughts travel to the one night they went undercover. He had touched almost every inch of her soft skin. Kissed her, touched her. He remember the way she laughed and rolled around with him. To bad it wasn't real. He just wished someday she would realize that she was the one for him.

He couldn't sleep, no matter how hard he tried he couldn't. He tried to watch tv, read, and take a sleeping pill. He closed his eyes and all he could see was her pain. The way her eyes sparkled with anger. He'd seen her in pain, but he'd never been the cause of it. Never before had he felt so guilty, not when Jeanne left, or even when Jenny had died. It was like he had killed her with his bare hands. She was dead, atleast on the inside and he'd done it.

He couldn't save her. Not from her father, not from anything. It had been his duty to protect her. He didn't care what anyone said, even if Gibbs told him to forget, he couldn't. He needed to save her from her father, and whatever mission he sent her on. He knew that her father was going to make her finish what Micheal started. Somewhere deep down her knew that it wasn't going to be okay.

His phone buzzed againist wood on his night stand. His hand reached for the phone slowly. He knew it wasn't going to be Ziva, she would never forgive him this fast. Probably wasn't going to ever.

"DiNozzo." he answered not even bothering to check who it was.

"Tony...you...help...please..." someone said. He could tell that whoever it was was getting cut off. There were words missing but who was it.

"Who is this?" Tony asked almost begging.

"Ziva..." she said. Ziva?

"Where are you?" he asked jumping up. What was going on?

"Boat...don't know...captured...beaten..." was all he caught. He could hear voices in the background. Her father was really going to get her killed. He had sent her on a suicide mission.

"Last know location? I'm coming to get you but I need a guess!" he almost shouted. He'd pulled on some jeans and was hunting for a tee shirt. He would first go to Mossad and beat it out of her father.

"Don't remember..." was all she said before he heard the screaming. "Tony!" he could hear her scream. There were man shouting in arabic before the line disconnected. He shut his phone and pulled out his travel bag. He grabbed anything he could find and pushed it in. He pulled on his shoes and headed for the door. He opened it to discover McGee.

"Tony? Where you going?" he asked looking him up and down.

"Getting Ziva..." he said trying to push his way through McGee.

"What?" he asked putting a hand on his chest.

"She called...her father sent her on a suicide mission." Tony said pushing the hand away.

"What? I'm coming with...my car." McGee said pulling out his cell. They walked down to McGee's car and piled in. Tony could hear McGee on the phone but wasn't really listening. "Well Abby wake him up...I don't care if he's drunk...yeah will be there in ten...bye." he said putting the phone away. Tony looked at him curious. "Gibbs..." he said going down his street.

Once they got to the house Gibbs came out carrying a bag. Abby grabbed his arm and turned him toward him. There were words shared between them and Tony could see what was going on. Gibbs grabbed her face between his hands and kissed her forehead. She put her hands over his and Gibbs pulled away. He turned back towards the car and left Abby there.

"Let's go..." Gibbs said getting in the back.

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**There you go...I'm sorry if you people don't like Gabby I do and there great umm...There going to get Ziva..Please Review!**


	5. Will Get Her Back

**Thanks to:**

**gabbytiva123**

**Autumn Gray**

**ErikkaDiLante**

**Laby Anne Boleyn**

**..Forever - Hey sorry its weird and won't me write your name  
**

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:Gibbs, Tony, McGee:

No words were spoken during the drive, all was understood. Well almost everything, McGee was holding in a pain he had. Abby, his girl, was at Gibbs' house. Well he would say she was his girl but so did Gibbs. It was an unspoken fight and it seems that Gibbs had won. He couldn't lash out, not like he had ever. Even when Mikel was after her he hadn't lashed out, Gibbs had. McGee opened his mouth to speak tired of there eyes doing the talking.

"Not now McGee..." Gibbs whispered stopping him. He snapped his mouth shut taking his advice. They needed to think of Ziva, and Tony. Without Ziva, Tony was going to fall apart. Slowly sink into a depression that no one could pull him out of.

"Did you buy our tickets?" Tony finally asked.

"Yeah...first we're gonna swing by and pick up Ducky..." McGee said avoiding his internal questions. Gibbs and Tony both turned to look at him confused. "We need his speed passes..." he explained.

:Ziva:

"Last...Location...Coming...get you...need...guess..." Ziva could hear him shout. She'd actually gotten to a phone but she was confused. She just wanted to hear his voice, but it was stained with pain. Had she really hurt him that bad? She could hear the men behind her shouting for her.

"Don't remember..." Ziva almost whispered. They had beaten so much out of her she couldn't remember what was going on. The men entered the room to discover her. One shouted something in Arabic. He grabbed her around the waist. "Tony!" she shouted. No she wasn't done listening to Tony. They pulled her out of the room and back into the chair. This time it was tighter ropes.

"Try that again and I will make sure that you will never see the light of day again!" One of the men shouted into her face.

"Your pretty smart...your not supposed to let me get to the phone yes?" Ziva asked being smug. That's when the pain begain. His fist connected with her face and she fell to the ground. Like her face wasn't already swollen enough. He picked up the chair and steadied it, then he spit in her face. "Thanks..." Ziva said looking up. He punched her again, this was really getting old. He picked her up again and left before she could anger him more.

:Gibbs, Tony, McGee, Ducky:

"There with me..." Ducky explained grabbing McGee's arm. The security guard let them through not bothering to check them. That's what the pass said, so maybe they could actually make it to the plane in time. That was the main reason they brought Ducky, they needed the resources that he had. They checked there bags in and ran to the gate. They were the last on but at least they made it.

"Your two our over there..." McGee said pointing. Gibbs and Tony went over to there seats and watched as Ducky and McGee went to theirs. Ducky decided that it would be good if those two sat together. There father son relationship was something that they had. This was something that only Gibbs could help with. Tony sat by the window and Gibbs sat next to him.

"You think she's okay?" Tony asked looking out the window.

"I don't know...but Ziva's strong..." Gibbs said looking over at him. He nodded but Gibbs could see the doubt in his eyes.

"You didn't hear the pain...the struggle...you didn't hear her call out for me..." Tony said sinking father into his seat. Gibbs knew he couldn't say anything to make it better but he needed to. Gibbs opened his mouth to say something but was caught off guard by the tear falling down his face. What he'd done really hurt him and it would have destroyed him if she had died or even never called him back.

"Will get her back..." Gibbs said simply.

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**There you go...I'm gonna drag it out so you know you all get anxious please Review the more Review the more I feel motivated to update!**


	6. Perfect and Gone

**Thanks To:**

**ErikaaDiLante**

**Laby Anne Boleyn**

**TIVAFAN21**

**halogirl810

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**Tony tried to compose himself, there was no way. Ziva David, beautiful, strong, perfect and gone.

Gone.

He was in love with her.

He was _in love_ with her.

Now he had to go save her, from her father. That piece of shit she called her father, the one who had sent her on a suicide misson. The next time he got his hands on him, he would be on the ground, withering in pain.

"I know that look Tony..." Gibbs said snapping him out of his trance. "You can deal with her father later...for now you need to focus..." he said standing up and walking over to Ducky. Tony now realized her was in the airport, he barley remembered walking to were he was sitting. His mind was to keen on Ziva. He had remember the short plane ride to were they were now though.

Gibbs looked back to Tony as he pulled his cell out. There was blood in his eyes. He really did love her. Gibbs dialed Abbys number and put it to his ear.

[Hello?] she answered.  
"Hey Abs..." he said.  
[Gibbs! What is happening?!] she asked her voice speeding up.  
"Where at the airport...I just wanted to check up on you..." he said explaining.  
[I'm glad you called...you have to get her back...] she almost whispered.  
"I know Abs..." he whispered back. They really did he didn't know what Tony would do.  
[Hows Tony?] she asked worried.  
"He wants blood..." he said. "Hey I have to go...plane..." he said not wanting to put down the phone.  
[Okay..watch over Tony...I love you." she said making sure she got everything in.  
"Love you to..." he said hanging up the phone.

Gibbs stood and went over to Tony, he place a hand on his shoulder. It was his way of saying lets go. This was there last touch down which meant they were staright on to Tel Aviv now.

Tony didn't really realize anything.

His eyes were almost glazed over.

Tony stood and followed Gibbs onto the plane. It was the same seating as last time. Gibbs and Tony, then Ducky and McGee.

"Tony you need to think of Ziva, there will be no fighting until she is in your arms..." Gibbs said still seeing the blood in his eyes. "Then you can do whatever is needed to her father..." he added.

"What if she is still angry at me?" Tony asked turning to look at him. The bloodlust was replaced by his worries.

"She's not...she called you..." he said.

"Maybe your right..." Tony said looking back out the window. He looked tired, worn down. His hair was not done it was down and shaggy. Ever since Ziva was gone he didn't really do anything about his appearance.

Tony only cared about one thing.

Ziva.

Without her he was going to slowly die. If he got there and she rejected him he didn't know what he'd do.

It was hopless.

No matter what anyone said he was going to die without her. He had already been complitating suicide. He was going to give it six months and if she hadn't come back or even call he was going to do it. Shot himself in the head. He always lost everyone he loved. Kate, Paula, Jeanne, Jenny, and now Ziva.

He didn't deserve to live.

Tony looked over at Gibbs who was now snoring. The plane was dim and all the light was almost gone. Everyone was snoring, he couldn't see anyone awake. Had he really been thinking that long? Tony layed his head back and tried to sleep.

There was no way he was going to sleep. Everytime he closed his eyes he saw Ziva.

Her eyes, her smile, and the smug look she got on her face.

A lot.

He'd barley seen her smile lately. There were now recent memories with her smile.

Anger.

That's all he saw.

They way she had glared at him. The way she wished he had died, and not Micheal.

If only she knew what he had seen. How many people Micheal had used, killed. Ziva had just been another pawn in his little game, and she had hated him because he'd won the game. An impossible game that was run by her own father.

Maybe it was fate, maybe she was meant to hate him. No one could love him. He always messed everything up.

Tony finally closed his eyes and drifted asleep.

* * *

**Woot there you go...just mostly Tony's thought about Ziva... Intense much? Hey review thanks!**


	7. Shes Not Fine

**Thanks to:**

**Autumn Gray**

**horseninja**

**Gallifreyan**

**TivaIsTheBest

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**Tony flashed his badge and they entered the Tel-Aviv building. Gibbs and the rest of the team were waiting in the car, he thought maybe he could pry some information out of Eli David. Not pry, beat. He'd do whatever he'd have to do to get Ziva back. Even end his would not leave her in the dark. (So to speak).

"Tony DiNozzo?" Eli asked as he entered. "I believe your here about Ziva, yes?" he asked looking into Tony's eyes. Tony simply nodded his head yes. "I'm sorry to inform you that she is not here, she is on an undercover mission and is fine." he said strenly.

"She's not fine..." Tony whispered. Eli looked at him curious. "You sent her on a suicide mission." he said growing louder. He now had turned to look Eli directly in the face.

"It's none of your business." Eli said clenching his teeth. Tony laugh softly.

"Shes all my busniess...shes mine." Tony said stepping closer. He set his palms on Eli's desk and grinned softly. "and when I find her...you'll regret you had never sent her on that 'mission'." he said pushing up from the desk and leaving the room.

* * *

Tony climbed in the back of the car and motioned for Ducky to drive off. He was done, finished with that bastard. She's fine, he had said, nothing had every pissed him off more. Her father had sent her on a suicide mission and just told him that she was fine. Never, Ziva was never going back to her father.

Gibbs looked back at Tony and saw the blood in his eyes. Director David had really pissed him off. He was going to wish that he had never been born. That was if Tony could pry himself away from Ziva for more than a minute, probably not. Normally he condemmed relationships between coworkers but those couldn't help but fall in love.

Ducky drove on through the safe zone, scared half to death. Mostly about the road bombs but for Ziva and Tony. He had seen the change in Tony, over the years, the past moments. Without Ziva he was broken, dying, emotionless. He couldn't let that happen, not to anyone on the team. Without one of them they all were lost.

McGee, didn't really have much to think about. Other then Abby, but he couldn't think about that, not now. Ziva and Tony had to be freash on his mind. His big brother, or so to speak, was fading. There was no more jokes, no more late nights, just him. He was pretty sure that Tony was going to commit suicide which was why he had gone over in the first place. Maybe he was right.

* * *

"Yeah Abs?" Gibbs asked picking up his phone. They had only been driving for ten minutes.  
[Gibbs! Thank god...i've been calling you for an hour..."] she said worry thick in her voice.  
"Sorry...just landed thirty minutes ago..." he whispered into the phone.  
["Okay...why are you whispering?"] she asked curiosity thick on her voice.  
"Tony...he's thinking..." he answered back.  
[Okay well Vance is on me about some evidence...love you." she said, the disappointment was obvious.  
"Bye Abby...we will bring her back." he said before disconnecting the line. He wasn't ready for the I love you's yet, he would just hurt her. Some part of him knew that.

* * *

Tony laid on his cot, staring at the ceiling he had done all of his thinking in the car. He decied that if he thought of Ziva anymore he wouldn't get any sleep. He didn't know how long he had been laying where he was but he could hear snoring. Snoring, shit, Ziva snored. Now he was going to get no sleep.

None.

* * *

**Sorry this chapter is so short I just wanted to put feelings in this one! Next chapter will shock you so bad you'll running crying and screaming bababababa! Lol Review I update faster with good words!**


	8. Everything

**Thanks to:**

**BritMum**

**shar

* * *

**Gibbs nodded at Tony to kick down the door to the prison. They had gotten up early and Gibbs wasn't sure if Tony had just realized how close he was to touching had seemed far away. Now he watched as Tony kicked down the door with all his might. He was back. There was that sparkle that he had lost back in his eyes.

"Go!" Gibbs harshly whispered and Tony ran in. He punched a few guards in the nose on the way. Tony was ruthless, nothing was going to stop him. If you looked at Tony now you would think he was a maniac. The truth to this was he was in love Ziva. "Take the right room." Gibbs said once all the guards were on the ground.

Tony kicked open the door not knowing what to find. What he saw broke his heart. There in a chair was a broken Ziva, or was it her? Her face was brusied up and her hair was cut short. Tony stopped in his tracks.

"Ziva?" he asked. She looked up but looked scared. Tony pulled off his ski mask so she could see it was him.

"Tony?" she asked as soon as the mask was off. He nodded his head and walked to her. He could see the relief on her face. He gently untied her from the chair and her hands went around his neck. Tony put on of his arms under her knees and picked her up. He walked to Gibbs who was waiting at the door.

"Lets get her out of here..." Tony said walking out the door of the prison. The sun hit him and Ziva making her flinch. Tony cradled her to his chest more. No one was ever going to hurt her ever again.

* * *

Ziva opened her eyes and looked around. Were was she? She shot straight up of the bed she was laying in. Had they moved her overnight, somewhere no one could find her? No way, it was to clean and she was laying in a big, comfy bed. There was a window, with curtins that were pulled back. The sun was pouring into the room hitting her face.

Ziva stood from the bed and walked over to the window. There was a city, a real one, not some hallcuation. There was also people, lots of them, happy people. So the world hadn't stopped like it had seemed to for her. She put her hand to the glass and could almost feel the sunlight hitting her skin.

"You haven't spent a lot of time in the sun, huh?" someone asked behind her. She didn't bother turning, she knew who it was. That sound she could pick out in hundreds, possibly thousands. It was his voice that had helped her through those tough days in the cell, who knew how long. She didn't want to see his face, that they had burned out of her memory.

"Yeah..." Ziva stated looking back out. She wished she could open the window, she knew she was to weak. She didn't even bother to try, but how she longed for it. The air, sun, voices of a busy town. She could feel a tear fall down her face as she watched the world move on. She also could hear Tony moving slow steps towards her. She flinched with every step, she was scared.

"Ziva?" Tony asked getting closer. She cloud feel his presense as it got closer, and her body seemed to tense up more everytime. "It's okay...I'm not going to hurt you..." he said inching closer. Soon he was by her side and she had turned her head away from him, but he had caught a glimpse her eyes, he knew what she wanted. Tony lifted the window open.

All the smells and sounds of the city hit her in one rush. All the things she missed, including Tony came rushing back to her. Soon she was gripping the wall for support as everthing that she had blocked out came back. Her feelings for Tony, her father sending her off, and the prison. She started sobbing and reached for Tony.

Ziva crashed into Tony.

Everything

_Everything_

Was to much for her to handle. She knew how much she had hurt through everything, the way she had blocked out all of the pain.

Tony had pulled her over to the bed and was now trying to calm her.

He really did care for her.

Now she had to care for him like her did.

If that was possible.

* * *

**Okay so I kinda rushed through the first part but I wanted to get to the last part...so that very last bit is kind of like disorganzied thoughts, you know how that sometimes that happens? You have to think...but can't anyways I love you and Please Review it really helps get me thinking!!**

**REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**


	9. I Forgot Something

**Thanks To:**

**TivaIsTheBest**

**LOZZEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY**

**missplamer**

**gabbytiva123**

**NCISFAN**

**Autumn Gray

* * *

**_Three Months Later_

_No this couldn't be happening._

_She couldn't even figure out what was going on with them and now this?_

_How could she love him?_

_She was broken_

_Gone._

_Now they had brought another person into it, theres.

* * *

_

Present Moment.

"Tony!" Ziva called out squirming in her sleep. This was one of the first times she had fallen asleep, and she was having a nightmare. She dreamed she was still in the prison, slowly dying. They tortured her for information about NCIS. The one place she tried to protect with all her heart, not that she understood that.

Tony had heard her scream for him and had jumped out of bed pulling on pajama bottoms. It had been three weeks since they had found her, and he had finally shushed her to sleep. She didn't sleep very often, she needed to sleep more. He rushed into the room only to find her tossing and turning reaching out for something.

Some part of Ziva knew it was only a nightmare, but the prison had changed her.

"Ziva." Tony said sitting on the side of the bed. He rubbed her check with his thumb waiting for her to wake up. He had his wrist in a position so that she couldn't hurt him so bad, but she didn't even try. She opened her eyes timidly looking up at Tony. He saw the relief wash into her eyes. She still looked into his eyes like she was afraid to speak. "You okay?"

She nodded her head, and Tony nodded back. Slowly he got up to leave but Ziva caught his arm.

"Don't leave..." she murmured.

He wasn't going to.

* * *

Tony took Ziva's hand and looked at her, it was her first day back. Now as a NCIS probie, but nobody was going to call her that. The elevator stopped and the doors opened. They both stepped out still hand in hand. She released his hand very slowly trying herself, but immediately took his hand back. Not that he minded at all.

"Welcome back Ziva." McGee said a big smile planted on his face.

"It's good to have you home Ziver..." Gibbs said standing next to McGee. Of course you probably know whats going to happen next.

"Ziva!" Abby yelled running across the bullpen. She stopped in front of Ziva seeing all of her injurys and cautiously hugged her.

"It's good to be home." Ziva said once the cautious hug was broken. She smiled and stepped back closer to Tony, who took her hand again. He had noticed her use of the word home. She had been avoiding it since they had gotten back. She always said that this had never been her home, but now it was. He squeezed her hand being encouraging.

* * *

_Oh Wait I forgot to mention something._

_This isn't Real._

_They never rescued Ziva._

Tony startled awake by the sound of his alarm clock.

Carp.

It was a dream.

Only a week had passed since they left Ziva in Israel.

* * *

**OMG!!! This just came out! I was laughing so hard...sorry that's mean! Aren't I just a great twister?? SHOCKER!!! Come on that was getting to simple she wouldn't be that easy on Tony! **

**;D  
**


	10. Suicide

**Thanks to:**

**Horseninja**

**TimeWitch16**

**Jen-NCIS-Lover

* * *

**Suicide.

Something no one would even consider if they were in there mind. So I guess you can say Tony wasn't in his right mind as he looked at the gun that laid on his coffee table. Some part of him thought Ziva would get word that he had died and she would come back, safe and sound. Gibbs could watch over her, and she would be happy.

So he picked up the gun.

He just stared at it, felt the cold metal in his hand.

Then he put it to his head.

Why?

Who knew.

Bang.

* * *

Gibbs didn't know why he got in his car and drove to Tony's apartment. His gut told him to drive to Tony's apartment, and he always listened to his gut. He parked in front of Tony's complex and climbed out of the car. He had left Abby at his house after she had cried herself to sleep. She had found him drunk every night and she finally just broke down.

Gibbs climbed in the elevator and pressed Tony's floor. The elevator started up but it seemed to take forever. Finally he arrived at Tony's floor and stepped out. He picked up his pace as the knot in his stomach increased. Was it something he had seen in Tony's eyes? All he remembered was the ghosts in his eyes.

Bang.

Gibbs heart skipped a beat.

A gun shot.

Gibbs ran down the hallway towards Tony's apartment and kicked down the door. There was Tony blood covering his head, him laying on the floor. The gun laid in his hand. Why? Why had he done this?

"Tony." Gibbs said pulling out his phone.

He didn't respond.

Gibbs called 911 then dropped his phone and ran the rest of the way to Tony. He put his fingers to his throat only to find a faint pulse. He was barley breathing.

"Hang on..." Gibbs said not wanting to risk any contact. He could only apply pressure to his wound hoping he would survive. Tony's eyes fluttered opened and he looked up Gibbs.

"Let me die..." Tony mumured tears flowing down his face mixing with the blood. "Let her come back..." he added more tears flowing down his face. It suddenly hit Gibbs, Tony thought that if he killed himself Ziva would come back, she'd be safe.

"Come on Tony...I can't keep the team together if your gone...think of Abby..." he said knowing that would make him hang on.

Gibbs heard the EMS running down the hallway.

"Sir...you can let go now..." someone said grabbing his hand.

This better not be the end.

* * *

"Gibbs!" Abby yelled running down the hallway McGee on her heels. Gibbs got up from his chair and braced himself for Abby's hug. He could see the tears that had been streaming down her face. She ran and hugged him starting to sob once more. He could feel a tear fall down his face at the sight of Abby.

She had lost so much.

Kate.

Jenny.

Ziva.

and now Tony.

Abby gripped Gibbs' shirt and sobbed while he rubbed his hands up and down her back. Gibbs caught sight of McGee and closed his eyes not wanting to deal with him. McGee had his jealous face on.

"Why'd he do it?" Abby asked sobbing.

"I don't know..." he said.

What a lie.

Gibbs watched as the doctor came out of the emergency room doors stopping in front of them. He cleared his throat and Abby whirred around to look at him.

"Your Anthony DiNozzo's family right?" he asked looking at the strange bunch. Abby nodded her head at him. "I'm sorry to say he hasn't made it through surgery..." he said looking into Abby's eye.

"No!" she whaled turning back into Gibbs' arm. He just gripped her shocked as her sobs got louder, they had actually lost him.

Lost him.

What happens now?

* * *

**Okay one thing first this is not the end of the story! There is a lot to come so don't give up on me!**

**I'm sorry!**

**One of my closet friends friend killed himself and shes devastated so I had to write this.**

**REVIEW!!!!  
**


	11. A New Life

**Thanks to:**

**TimeWitch16**

**Maybe-I-Should-write-something**

**AthosionWarrior**

**Bay95**

**Riverat73**

**Autmun Gray**

**jojobevco**

**Aurelie G

* * *

**

Gibbs carried Abby into his house watching her face, and how serene it looked. When she sleep was pretty much the only time she looked peaceful lately. He slowly laid her on the couch careful not to balance her on his bad knee. He pulled up a blanket so that it covered her body and sat on the coffee table in front of her. He watched her as she tossed and turned probably from a nightmare. She had lost two people she really cared about in the same month. No one like Abby could handle that.

"Gibbs..." she murmured her hand reaching out into the cold air. It was amazing what the body did during dreams. Her hand dropped to her said and a pained look came on her face. "I can't lose you to..." she said into the silence. Her eyes were so closed and she looked as though she was dreaming. Gibbs moved closer to her and laid his hand on her cheek.

"You won't." he whispered kissing her forehead.

Never.

* * *

Tony opened his eyes discovering a blinding white. What was going on? Pain ripped through his head and he reached up only to find no arms to do so. He couldn't move, he was stuck. Some unseen weight was holding him down, was he dead. Was this his punishment for all he had done? Maybe he deserved it.

"Mr. DiNozzo?" a voice came from the light he forced his head to turn which for some reason did. He shut his eyes at the sudden increase of brightness.

"Hey is there like an "I'm dead so numb my head" medicine?" Tony asked. He still had the same attitude, like he cared.

"Your not dead." The man said in a deep whisper. Somehow it seemed lost even without any emotion. "Please open your eyes ." The voice mostly ordered. Tony pryed his eyes open and turned to look at the man. He wore an Black suit and his brown hair was slicked back. He looked like one of those men from Matrix.

"What do you want?" Tony asked in a harsh voice.

"I'm just here to offer you something...I heard you took an attempt at your life." he said barly moving a face muscle. Tony didn't say a word just turned his head away. He would probably do it again. "Why?" he asked.

"For her." was all Tony whispered.

"Well you almost succeed but what if I said there was an easier way." he said making Tony turn back in curiosity. "A new life." he added.

"A new life?" Tony asked disbelieving.

"Yes." he answered.

"You know this sounds like something that would happen in a movie." Tony said making fun of this mans offer.

"Yes I know...but it's all very real." he said still staying in the same position.

"Okay fine humor me what new life?"

"A life in the marines." he said finally changing his position. "A life were you will be a marine and everyone you once knew will think you are dead." he added smiling. Tony looked at him questionally.

"Weird." he said closing his eyes for a brief moment.

"Yes got that and it all will be explained more but I need an answer so I can tell the doctor what to say." he said. Tony keep his eyes closed and held up one finger telling the man to give him a second. He thought of everything in his life, his friends, what was left of his family. Mostly his friends, Abby, Gibbs, and (as much as he wouldn't admit it) McGee. Could he really leave that all behind? For Ziva he would do anything. After a few moments of considering he opened his eyes.

"Yes..." Tony murmured. "I'll do it."

"Excellent." The man said leaving the room and Tony to his thoughts.

What had he just done?


	12. A Note

**Thanks to:**

**Autumn Gray**

**TimeWitch6**

**Maybe-I-Should-Write-Something

* * *

**The Marines, brutal.

That's pretty much all I got to say to you about the Marines. Waking up early and doing some tough stuff, but I love it. Especially when it rains, it is so relaxing. Plus it keeps my mind off of what I lost. May I add that I'm pretty ripped now. Now as I looked down at the letter that changes my life I can't help but regret my decision.

'Major David-

You have been called to duty in Iraq.'

That pretty much sums it up. With a big fake smile I accepted the letter and shook my Captains hand. Now as I sat in my apartment some part of me wishes I had been a man. I had stayed and fought to get Ziva back. Choices are made that can not be taken back. He had to learn that lesson no matter how tough it was. He had to completely cut himself off from emotions, that isn't what mattered anymore. To bad he couldn't change his name from Tommy David. He had choose that name in a refusal to cut off all ties to his old life. David wasn't like Ziva's it was different if only a small way.

"God help me." he murmured to himself heading into his bedroom. He reached under the bed pulling out an old shoe. He looked at the worn down leather, the way some of the black had faded to gray and smiled. It was one of his old work shoes. He slowly reached into the worn down shoe and pulled out his one picture of Ziva.

He had to do it, for her. The same thing he told himself everyday.

* * *

"He's dead." Gibbs said to Ziva. Her eyes filled with shock, and fear. No could he really be dead? Gibbs looked at her face, so much pain from two words.

"How?" she asked in a slight whisper. Her eyes now lay at her feet.

"I don't think you want to know..."

"I do." she said looking straight into his eyes. He slowly nodded his head, but did not say anything.

"Come on I have somewhere you need to see, I will explain when we get there." he said taking her hand.

They both got into his car and drove off. Her face didn't show anything, but neither did his. They were okay just sitting in silence. Something told her not to ask, not even speak a word. Somehow she didn't want to know everything. Another part of her knew that she wasn't going to like what happened to Tony.

Slowly he parked in front of the cemetery.

He really was dead.

_Dead._

"Come on." Gibbs said opening her door. He took her hand and they traveled slowly through the cemetery. Her hand tightened as they reached there destination. Tony's grave. "Read it." Gibbs murmured looking at her.

_Gave his life for the one her loves._

What is that supposed to mean.

Ziva looked at Gibbs for an explanation.

"He commited suicide."

"No..." she murmured more pain flashing across her face. "Why?" she asked her eyes tearing up.

"He thought it would help you come back."

Ziva fell to her knees and let the tears fall down her face. No, he didn't have to do that.

"You came and saved me...and I needed him." she said looking up at Gibbs. "I needed him...I hoped he come and save me." she said looking down at the grass once more.

"I know...but you can't disrespect him by not living his wishes..." Gibbs said helping her stand. He reached into his pocket and handed her a crumpled piece of paper.

_Zi- _

_Live your life for me. I don't know if you'll ever come back to the team but please do. I know your probably still hate me, but the team needs you more then me. You were always smarter, and more of a use to the team then me. I love you, keep that in mind. I did this for you. In my will it says that all my stuff, everything I owned is now yours. I hope you find it of some use._

_All my love,_

_Tony_

He really was gone.

* * *

**I know this out of charachter for Ziva but she is changed person hahaha**

**REVIEW FOR SKITTLES! **

**Sorry I love Halloween and now its over....hahaha :D!  
**


	13. Scarred

**Thanks to:**

**NO ONE!!! WAHHH!

* * *

**Tony picked up his rifle adjusting his helmet in the process. He could see the blood running down his face and the bodies around him, but why was the only thing he thought of his old life? Ziva, McGee, Ducky, Abby, Palmer, and Gibbs. So much blood and pain. He couldn't help but let his mind drift off somewhere happy.

He looked at his squad seeing nervous faces. Most of them only eighteen and so many of them naive of the pains coming with war. He looked at Peter Renolds, well his body that now lay on the ground. His eyes starred up at the starry sky like he had done so many times in real life. He had wanted to be an astronaut. They told him this was the first step towards that, and now he wouldn't ever achieve that dream.

Bang.

His whole squad flinched and Tony couldn't help it if he did. He'd told them to stay down, not to run into the battle like so many had done. He didn't want his men to be the brave ones right now. He wanted his men to live, but a choice had to be made and soon. They could sit here, and listen to more people die, or they could go out, and fight like the brave ones.

Bang, more flinching.

"Okay we have a choice here...we can go out and fight or we can listen to more people die." Tony said pulling out the picture of Ziva from his pocket. No one said anything even though they never had. No one knew who the girl in the picture was, everyone just suspected that it was a dead girlfriend, because he never got letters or anything.

"Why should we be the weak ones?" Corporal Ryan asked.

"Your right." Tony said putting the picture away. He cocked his rifle and changed positions. Now he had to be Gibbs, think like him. He had to pretend he was making Gibbs proud.

"For America!" Tony shouted moving out of the pit. His squad climbed out after him with faint shouts. The rain started to pour and The squad shot out bullets.

Bang.

Tony fell to the ground clutching his chest. He could feel the blood gushing out of his wound.

"Tommy!" someone shouted.

Bang.

"Tommy are you okay?" someone asked kneeling next to him.

Bang.

The person next to him fell down to the ground.

"No..." Tony murmured passing out.

* * *

Ziva moved around her now apartment, Tonys old apartment. He had left everything to her, and when she wasn't at work she wore his clothes. She wore his clothes everyday but his smell never seemed to leave. Some part of her was glad, but another knew that it couldn't be healthy. She knew that it was hurting her daily.

Ziva moved to the kitchen pulling a burrito out of the freezer. She moved to the microwave slowly placing the frozen food in it. She set it for 45 seconds and moved to the front room, maybe some T.V could get her mind off of it. It was the news.

"A local squad in Iraq was raided by the Taliban, only one survived..." Ziva sat down suddenly interested. "Gunnery Major Tommy David suffered a gun shot to the chest and severe burns from an IED that was blown . His left arm is the worst with added burns up his chest and onto his neck. He was flown to a local hospital in D.C" the news reporter finished before a picture popped up. Ziva was shocked, it was Tony.

Ziva reached for the phone running over all the possibility's of all the ways it could be Tony.

Maybe a look alike?

"Ziva?" Gibbs' voice entered her ear.

"Channel three." she murmured listening to the the T.V come to life on the other line.

"No..." Gibbs murmured. "It can't be..."

"I'm not crazy, the sky is cracking, right?" she asked confused.

"Falling Ziver." Gibbs corrected. "and no your not crazy...it has to be him."

"What are we going to do?" she asked.

"Were going to see if it's him." Gibbs said hanging up the phone.

* * *

**OMG!**

**What is happening?!**

**REVIEW!!!!  
**


	14. Screams

**Thanks to:**

**NCISaddict77**

**zats**

**Airamn**

**CSIGurlie07**

**Jen-NCIS-Lover**

**TIVAFAN21

* * *

**

"Tommy David's room please." Gibbs said to the nurse as soon as they were in the building.

"Burn center room 122." she said checking her list. Gibbs nodded and muttered a thank you before moving towards the burn center. It had to be him even the name gave it away, it wouldn't to most people but it would to them. Was it so foolish to believe he was alive? Gibbs had always felt that he wasn't really dead, mostly when his funeral was closed casket.

A thousand thoughts ran through Ziva's head. He had to be alive. If it wasn't him she didn't know what she would do. It was already so hard living without him, the haunting nightmares waking her, every time his name was mentioned. She needed him, forever.

Gibbs grabbed Ziva's hand as they reached his room.

"You ready?" he asked.

"Yes." she said positive. He nodded his head and they slowly opened the door. What she saw tore her heart into pieces. There on the bed lay Tony a tube going through his throat to help him breathe. His left arm was bandaged and she could see the burns up his neck. "No..." she murmured falling to her knees. This couldn't happen.

"Zi...come on, stand up..." Gibbs said grabbing her by the elbows he pulled her up and she gripped his tee shirt.

No, this couldn't happen.

No!

"Not Tony...I knew he wasn't dead...I could feel it...but I thought he was happy..." she sobbed into Gibbs' shirt, her body was trembling and Gibbs had to hold her up.

"Ziva?" a voice whispered.

Could it be?

"Tony?" Ziva asked wiping her eyes. Boy did she feel like a ten year old. She walked over to his bed and he looked up at her in disbelief.

"Am I in heaven?" he asked trying to reach his hand up to her. She took it slowly, letting his rough skin rub against hers. She could feel his heat, his heartbeat. He really was here here with her. No matter how much she told herself that it wasn't possible, he was here. His hand gripped hers as she starred down into his eyes. "I'm not..." he mumured feeling her heat. "H-h-how?" he suddenly stuttered gripping her hand tighter.

Ziva moved to say something but his eyes got a blank look. A look you got when you were reliving your nightmares. A look you got when everything around you faded. Something she had seen to many times in her childhood friends, after someone in there family had been shot down in front of them. The look her best friend had got before she to was shot down in front of her.

"Ziva..." Tony murmured closing his eyes in pain. "I have to do it for her..." he whispered opening his eyes. He wasn't in the present, he was gone. Lost in the world of his pain. Fear flashed his eyes and he tore his hand away from her grasp. The look she saw in his eyes made her stumble back in fear.

Blood.

Pain.

Terror, all in one look. He was gone, long gone. The once movie quoting, funny man she once knew was gone. He was never going to be the same. Whatever had happened to him, changed him. That look he gave her, the one look. Now she let herself back away. She was frightened like a little girl at the sight of a dead man.

The sun seemed to fade out of the room as Tony let out a blood boiling. scream. One only a person in terrible pain could. She felt someone grasp her around the waist, trying to pull her out of the room. She tried to fight off the arms but there was no fight left. The man she had hoped would comfort her was never going to exist again. To much of her just wanted to lie on the ground and sob. How was she supposed to go on? The sun had turned black and she wasn't sure it would ever return.

The world was now black.

"Ziver..." someone whispered in her ear, and she suddenly became aware of her surroundings.

Gibbs house? How?

"What...how?" Ziva blurted out letting her eyes wandering the cozy little living room he called home. She always loved how out of place everything in his house seemed to be. A bike behind the T.V, a couch that didn't accent anything, and books that ranged from informational to children books. His house was just so him.

Ziva spotted a spot of black in her vision and turned to see Abby asleep on the floor. A blanket was tuck up on her like someone loving placed it there. Knowing Gibbs, he had. Even though she would never say it but she noticed lately how protective he was of Abby, even from McGee.

"You passed out..." Gibbs said reaching for her face with his hand. She flinched, tensing up almost immediately. The first time since he had saved her.

"I did?"

"Yeah...I walked in with you in my arms and Abby seemed to just sense you..." he said chuckling gently to himself.

"She was here?" she asked confused.

"Yeah...she stays here a lot...mostly recently..." he said letting his eyes skim across Abby.

Ziva then realized all of Abby's things that seemed to be in different places of the room. Horror films on the top of the T.V, Burt sitting perched on the coffee table, and a few forensic magazines by the bookcase. Yes, Abby had been staying here. It still came as a shock, Abby had told her that she would never stay at Gibbs' house for more then a night. Ziva knew it was because she didn't want her feelings to be obvious.

"Why?"

"She has been having nightmares, been waking up screaming from them." he said a deep sadness found in his voice.

"The case..." Ziva said coming to a sudden realization.

About a month back there had been a case. A marine squad leader had been found dead, gunshot wound to the head, gun in hand. They directly went to suicide but Gibbs refused to believe that. He pressed the case more only to get the sad news that it was indeed a suicide. Apparently one of his squad members had committed suicide a month earlier, and that was why he had. After the case was closed Abby had started having nightmares that Gibbs was going to commit suicide. She had started to sleep in her lap hoping that would soothe them away. Gibbs found her screaming for him one night. She has had nightmares every night since.

"Yeah...it's pretty bad...I can't figure anything to soothe her." he said watching Abby.

"I'm sor-" Ziva started but was cut off by a scream. She turned to look at Abby to find her squirming on the ground. She called out for Gibbs and he moved from the couch and to her side. As soon as his hands touched her face she stop squirming and her breathing slowly. She could the relief fill his eyes. He sat by her side and she subconsciously moved her head into his lap.

"I'm sorry..." Ziva whispered watching them.

The team truly was broken.

* * *

**Epic right?**

**Wow this chapter was hard.**

**Sorry for a long update!**

**REVEIW!**

**P.s Gabby fans I'm thinking about doing this story but in there point of view...input wanted!  
**


	15. Miracles

**Thanks to:**

**BritMum**

**NCISaddict77**

**CSI4lyfNCIS13**

* * *

"Okay those cuts are healing very nicely." Nurse Rebecca said smoothing out the bandage she had just put on one of his cuts. He smiled gently, and she patted his arm at it. "Nice to see a smile." she said one slowly making it way onto hers. She gave him one last pat before leaving to room, his smile leaving with her. There was nothing really to smile about.

Tony couldn't believe all the blood he had seen, all the blank eyes. If this was what Gibbs, or Ziva had gone through, then he didn't know how they got through it. No wonder Gibbs was so distant from everything around him. His emotions locked away somewhere. Sooner or later he knew that his would to.

Tony pulled his legs out of bed and let his feet touch the cool tile. He shuffled across to the bathroom, his mind not sure if he was ready to see what he had become. His hand pushed open the smooth wood door, that connected the room to the bathroom. His feet shuffled in and he moved in front of the mirror. He looked down at the sink not ready for what came next. A slight leak left the faucet, dripping into the sink, splashing. Tony let his hand roam under the drip, and the water hit his hand. He had to do it sometime.

Tony slowly looked up to the mirror, slowly focusing on his face. Was that him? The man there looked so lost, looked like the world had left him behind. Then there was the cut that ran across his face, the one that started at the right of his forehead, traveled down barely missing his eye but catching the corner of his nose, and ended at the bottom of his chin after slashing through the middle of his lips. Something he couldn't hide, people would look at him, and see his scar, see the remnants of the burns that traveled up his neck. Ziva would never see him the same, if that had been her that was here.

"No..." Tony whispered smashing his hand into the mirror. The shards flew around him, as if everything was in slow motion. He saw the blood dripping down his hand and onto his arm. What did he care anymore?

" what are you doing?" A man's voice asked. He only shook his head in response. He felt hands grab him and pull him from the bathroom, but he didn't see anything. Everything seemed so blank now, so left without meaning. "Nurse! I need some bandages!" his voice seemed to only nip the surface of his thoughts. He could feel the rush of feet, he was losing himself.

Black, was all the he needed now. The sun didn't shine anymore, not for him. Why did he keep on fighting? Ziva probably didn't want him to even make his way back to him. Now, he had nothing to fight for the right to live. He was done fighting, no one cared. So, he just let his thoughts drift back, and let the shock take over.

"Were losing him!" The doctor shouted calling for the nurses to come forward. "Charge to three hundred." The doctor said.

"Ready!" The nurse shouted over all the clatter. The doctor shocked Tony, making his body thrust upwards. The charged it higher a few more times, only to get the flat tone once again. Ziva entered the area during the last one, and horror filled her eyes. Gibbs was behind her shortly, gripping her hand.

"Call time of death." The doctor said covering his eyes with his hand.

"Tony?" Ziva called out pulling away from Gibbs. She moved to Tony's bed, tears falling down her face.`"Come one Tony." she said moving to his side. "Tony...you can't die...I need you..." she sobbed, taking hold of his hand.

_Beep...Beep...Beep..._

"Wait...He's back!" the doctor called making the nurses run back in.

"Tony?" Ziva asked.

"Ziva..." He murmured his eyes opening. "Ziva?"

"Tony...It's me I'm here..." she said gripping his hand tighter, she suddenly felt him grip hers.

"You really care..." he murmured before his eyes closed once again. Ziva looked up at the doctor curious.

"He's tired...let him rest." The doctor said patting her on the shoulder, leaving the room amazed. It was amazing what a persons voice could do.

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**Well there you go! Hope ya enjoy it =D**

**That button looks cool I think I'll click it *Click***

**UH AH! Review box well I guess I better do it! You should to!**


	16. Healing

**Thanks to:**

**STLFAN**

**NCISaddict77  
**

* * *

"Abby?" Gibbs called entering the house. The living room was dark, and there was no light on upstairs. He knew she had been trying to go to sleep without him there stroking her hair. She wanted to be able to sleep a moment, without him.

Gibbs threw his keys on the counter. He was about flick on the kitchen light, when the screaming started. He broke out in a run, almost tripping up the stairs. He turned the corner, the screaming not stopping. He heard Abby scream his name, and his hands hit the walls as he turned into Abby's room.

"Gibbs!" She yelled hitting into the air. Her eyes were shut closed, and she squirmed in her nightmare state. He finished the run to her bed, and put his hands on her cheeks. She hit them away, and started to beat on his chest, her hand flew up hitting him the face.

"Abby!" Gibbs said harshly trying to wake her for her nightmare. She just whimpered and continued to beat on his chest. "Abbs, it's me." He whispered into her ear. He took her hands and laid them to her sides.

"Gibbs." She said jolting awake. She looked up at his face, the fear never leaving her eyes. She saw the fear that took over his face, the moon light hitting his face just right. He softly placed a hand on her cheek, and she could feel his warmth.

"It's me," he said, a tear falling down his face. Was he crying? Leroy Jethro Gibbs never cried, for anything, for anyone. He was crying, and for her. The tear passed a welt on his face, one that was already bruising. Had she done that? She touched it gently, and he flinched away from her hand. She had done it.

"Gibbs…" she murmured breaking into a sob. She wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her head into his shoulder. Gibbs saw her pain and just let more tears roll down his face. Would she ever heal?

When Tony was growing up, he had every girl he ever wanted. He was the player, the one every girl wanted to date. As he got older, nothing really changed. Then he fell in love with Jeanne. Everything changed after that, he began to love. There were no more one night stands.

I guess you could say, when Ziva was ready for Tony, he was not. When Tony was ready Ziva, she was not. The world seemed to beat against them. It was the situation all over again, except Tony may actually be ready.

Tony loved Ziva, but he was so scarred now. He still woke in the middle of the night, from reliving his squad's last battle. He was so scared he would hurt Ziva. His pain would hurt her to much, and he wasn't sure it would ever go away.

"What you thinking about?" Ziva's voice filled his ear. He keep his head turned for her, not wanting to show his scar.

"The future." He said truthfully. He had been more open to talking lately.

"What do you see?" she asked curious. He squirmed a little not knowing what to say. Truth is he really didn't know.

"I don't really know."

"I see healing." She said making Tony turn his head towards her. Healing? What did she mean by that? "I see you getting through this, and healing." She said a smile appearing on his face. He was even more shocked by the fact she didn't see them. The way she acted lately, he was sure she would say she saw them.

"If you're right…then I see us." Tony said reaching for her hand. She took it with a smile, one that could light up the room. He loved her smile; somehow he couldn't help but smile when she did. He rarely smiled ever.

"That may be what you see, but logic tells us that may not happen, yes?" She asked.

"Yes." He said, turning his head away once more. She was right, and this was so Ziva. Taking a moment were he said he loved her, and putting some logic in it. She couldn't just say I love you back. Well, I guess he didn't say he loved her, he couldn't.

"Sleep," Ziva said patting him on the hand. After her hand left his, it clenched in a fist. Trying to relish in the feel of her hand. He didn't know if he would ever feel that again.

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**Thanks for reading! I'll try to update sooner but I need MORE REVIEWS! I update faster that way =D STLFAN I'll do it in Gabby view soon I promise!**


	17. Life Goes On

**deidi**

**csimesser1**

**NCISaddict77**

**STLFAN**

**A-Caskey-Celeb  
**

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Scars.

There seemed to be one common thing that injected it self into the NCIS life, and that was scars. They all had them, physical, mental. It didn't matter were the manifested they were still scars. Several of them couldn't sleep at night because of the images their job brought, while others couldn't because of the torture they had gone through. Many people asked them why they put up with their job, and they all would simply answer 'It's our life'. It was the world they lived in, and they couldn't change that.

Tony DiNozzo was a man on the verge of destruction. Ever since going to the war, his face changed. There were no more jokes, or movie references. His world ended in Iraq, and he no longer was the person he used to be. Over a few months his eyes had grown cold and empty. There was one exception to this, Ziva, but that all changed when he walked in on her with another man. His eyes never showed warmth again. He was lost, but could he find his way back?

Ziva David never thought coming to America would change her this much. NCIS had just been another assignment given by her father. She was told to gain there trust, and of course she did. No one could expect that she would have fallen in love, but she had. She watched as the man she loved lost his grip on reality and slowly fell into a coldness. He changed, and he was no longer the man she had fallen in love with. Then when a friend of hers kissed her, he had walked in. She had not had the time to push away. After that she wasn't sure she would ever see the true Tony again. She was slowly fading into a depression.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs couldn't hold his team together. He watched as they all lost their way, just going day to day on autopilot. Yes they did get a lot of work done, but their hearts just weren't in it. How was he supposed to help them when he could barley hold Abby together. She was slowly losing it, the nightmares coming more frequently. Her punches getting stronger, she had popped several blood vessels on the side of his face. So he had made a decision. There was a clinic in California the specialized in this type of thing. So for the last week they packed, and resigned there positions. Abby had a week before and now Gibbs finished his up. This would be his last day, and then they would move to California maybe he could fix something. So he was leaving the team, leaving McGee as leader.

Abby Scuito was losing herself. Every single night she would wake up screaming, and sometimes injuring Gibbs. It was making her crazy, she just couldn't handle it. Gibbs was moving them so she could get some help, and normally she would refuse but she needed it. She wondered how the team had gotten so broken. Her world was crashing down around her, and she was in pain by the fact that she was hurting Gibbs. He tried to his his bruise that he got from her, but she knew they were there. She just wished they hadn't been given that one case, then again she wished many things.

Timothy McGee felt like he was the only one who wasn't fading away. It made him feel really special in some ways, like he was the glue holding the team together. Their world had changed, more then most of them probably knew. No one could have predicted this. He had to be strong. Abby had told him that one day, and he knew it to be true. Without him there would be no heart in their team. He was needed, for once in his life he was needed. He had to take that responsibility and embrace it. He was going to do it for the team.

So life would move on, but would it be for the better or the worse? It would be up to all of them, but who knew what would happen.

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**Please Review! Hope you liked this story! If you would like a sequel please either send me a message telling me why or do it in reviews! Thank you for your time!**


	18. New Lives and the Past

**I just had to continue this story, sorry for all the people I left hanging.

* * *

**

Gibbs stepped out of his car, and looked over at Abby. She was sleeping in the passengers side, looking more peaceful sleeping then she had in months. It could of been the movement in the car, or the fact that his hand had been in hers for the whole drive from the airport. The hour drive had been some of the most relaxing moments he's had while she's asleep. There was no screams, not even whimpers. For once he felt like things were going to look up. Things were going to get better, and maybe soon they could get back to their normal lives. Abby could start to live on her own again, and she wouldn't need him. He didn't want to leave her when she was healthy again, but that was going to be what happened.

"Gibbs?" Abby asked getting out of the car. She rubbed her eyes, but still looked tired. She had avoided sleeping on the plane from fear of having a nightmare. They both were very tired now. A nap was way past due, and Abby had already had her taste.

"Yeah Abs?" He questioned turning to look at her more clearly. She looked relaxed, and was obviously relieved that she hadn't had a nightmare.

"So, this is our new home?" Her eyes scanned over the new house, a sparkle in her eyes that Gibbs couldn't quite pinpoint. Something he felt like he had seen before, but hadn't in a long time. She almost looked content; happy that she was somewhere else. Somewhere were she could free herself.

"Yep, this is where we will be leaving for awhile."

"I like it...it looks cozy." She replied. A small smile appeared on her face as she closed the car door and made her way up to him. She looked up into his eyes, and he could see that she truly was relaxed for the time being. It could be that she slept without dreaming, or that she was somewhere new.

"Good." Gibbs said reaching for her hand. Once their hands touched, he intertwined their fingers; he gently rubbed his thumb up and down her hand in a soothing motion. She made her way up to his side, tightening her grip so that he wouldn't let go.

He would never let go.

* * *

Tony cracked open the fifth beer of the night, popping in another movie. Lately he had avoided movies, most tended to remind him of what was going on in his life. He wanted to go home and forget about all the troubles that laid outside the safety of his apartment. All the hurt, and pain couldn't get to him here. He could relax, and luckily he found movies that had nothing to do with his life. They weren't the normal movies he watched, but at least the keep him busy for a little while. They worked until he was so exhausted that he crashed on the couch, he hadn't fallen asleep in his own bed since Abby and Gibbs left.

"How could you do that with him?" A voice from the movie entered his mind.

Crap.

Tony shut the movie off, not bothering to touch his beer again. Either he was to drunk and he was hearing things from the movie, or he had put in the wrong one. Either way, he was screwed. So basically he got to toss and turn for an hour or two before he finally fell asleep. The couch wasn't the best place to sleep. He would deal with it, he got more sleep on the couch then he did on the bed.

Slowly but surely he drifted to sleep.

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**Basically this was just a start up.**

**So please review and I'll try to update ASAP.**

**Thanks!**

**(:  
- Josie  
**


	19. Again

**Thanks to:  
-Betherzz  
-DiNUTZzo  
-NCISaddict77**

-deidi  
-purplemonkeyz48

* * *

Tony wasn't here again.

Tony wasn't sitting across from her, once again. His presence wasn't there, not even his breathing to help her soothe her thoughts. He wasn't tapping his fingers against his desk, trying to make the minutes tick by faster. For the second time this week he hadn't shown up for work. Who knew how many times this month his desk had been empty all day; he not bothering to ever make an appearance. McGee would brush it off, saying that Tony was having some problems. Like the rest of them weren't? Every night she would be haunted with nightmares, but the next morning she'd get out of bed and come to work. Trying to survive another day. She wasn't even sure if Tony even cared about anything anymore.

Ziva sighed and started to tap her fingers as she found Tony commonly doing. McGee looked over, curious as to why the tapping had made an appearance. He hadn't expected to hear it all day, at least not in that familiar pattern. They all had it memorized by now. Thumb, pinky, ring finger, middle finger, pointer finger, and then backwards, then forwards, and so on. It was a sound and pattern that made it's appearance quite often. No one bothered to do it though, other then Tony anyways. Which is why McGee was shocked to see Ziva's fingers tapping, while her eyes remained on the empty desk.

Ziva was trying to fill the silence in hopes that maybe Tony would come back. Even though they weren't on speaking terms, they both still seemed to take comfort when they were around each other. They did talk, just not that often. They only did when the case required it, or when they had another dispute over the most stupid things. They once argued over deli meats, and it wasn't just a friendly disagreement. They had actually yelled at each other, so heated that McGee had to split it up; sending them both home. And that was just over deli meats. They hadn't got in a fight over the actual incident in a long time, and that worried him more. If they fought over the most stupid things, what would happen when they got into the actual problem. Someone would blow, the question is, who?

Both of them could blow their tops easily, and both were more then capable of hurting the other. Tony would regret even touching her later, even if it was only a strong grip on the arm. He'd never be able to come near Ziva again, in fear that he would blow his top. Scared he'd hurt one of the only people who was still technically there. McGee believed that was the reason whenever they'd fight, he would back as far away possible. Clenching his fists and sticking them into his pants pockets. Not even bothering to look her in the eyes. It offended Ziva, but McGee wished she knew the real reasons why he did that. It wasn't to disrespect her, but to make sure that he wouldn't go over the top. He wished that she would stop egging him on when he closed off that way, out of respect for both of them.

Ziva on the other hand was different. She could punch Tony, and not even think about regretting it. Growing up in Mossad had taught her to lock away all of her emotions. She'd just hid everything away, and that made her blow. At one point she'd gotten better, and showed her feelings more. But after the incident she'd turned into the cold Mossad agent she'd once been. Not bothering to let anyone know her feelings anymore.

"I'm sure hes fine." McGee said breaking the silence. He could feel Ziva's tension coming off of her in waves.

"Probably..." Ziva said barely above a whisper. Her hand did not stop the tapping; she didn't even bother to look at him.

"He'll be in tomorrow." He was trying to get a response from her, and even that didn't help. She obviously was to busy trying to get the tapping down perfectly, exactly as how Tony would be doing it.

Ziva only nodded her head in response.

"He just has stuff he needs to sort out," at that Ziva turned to look at him, her hand stilling. Something in her eyes shown with irritation, but not at him. At Tony. She looked angry with the fact that he was the one sorting things out by the way he was.

"Don't we all." She sneered standing from her chair. She grabbed her jacket and rounded her desk; turning to look at him. With a nod from him she left. The elevator dinging, signaling that she'd actually left.

The team was still broken, and McGee felt hopeless.

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**There you go.  
Please Review!  
I love them.  
- Josie**


	20. Authors Note

***PLEASE READ***

**First off, I would like to apologize for not updating in a long time. I didn't have internet for a week, and then I went to girls camp for my church.**

**I'd also like to explain a few things to you. I'm LDS (if you don't know what that is go to LDS . org to find out, I'm not trying to convert you, it's just for if your curious.) Which is the reason I don't do certain things in my stories. I don't do swearing, so sorry if some words feel out of place. And I don't believe in sex before marriage (I will do this one sometimes, but only because I need it for my story to come someplace). I cherish my religion with all my heart, so I stay strong. **

**The reason I write such short chapters is because stuff comes in inspiration, it can either be a lot or not so much. **

**Also I'm only 15 so I'm very busy with certain things such as School, Teen Council, Student Council, Church, etc. And that could also be why my writing isn't very good. But please keep reading and I'll try to update ASAP.**

**Love**

**-Josie  
**


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